waiting for the tide to turn

I know that lately I’ve bombarded y’all with reviews and giveaways.  Some of you are here for just that, but some of you are here for our every day life too so I wanted to break my silence, so to say, and explain why I haven’t been writing.

This year has been tough.  Really, tough doesn’t even begin to touch it.  It’s been terrible- a year that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I know that I am blessed, but the road isn’t always easy.  This year has taught me that I not in control.. at all.  Not one bit.

In February, we buried our sweet Tucker dog and that was hard.  It still is- especially since I’ve been hurt.  I would love for him to come snuggle up with me.  We let our dog out to pee and instead of coming back, he chased a female dog and was hit by a car.

Then, the year became 100x harder.

We celebrated Easter on April 8th with our entire family, then four days later, we stood in shock as we crowded around Kolby’s hospital bed and faced the harsh reality that he was gone.  Gone at sixteen.

Death is a fact of life, we all know that, but when you face the death of a 16 year old that you grew up with, that you had sleepovers with at your grandmother’s house every weekend- death feels unbearable when you are the one left behind.

So I struggled to get through the days and sometimes, I let the dishes sit in the sink for days because I couldn’t face them.

Then in July, I made the simple decision to go down the slide with Bella and it cost me the ability to walk.  I’m still trying to find a new normal and find my place in our family when I can’t do for my husband and kids like I want.  I’ve never felt so completely useless in my life.

Two weeks after I broke my leg and ankle, several of my family members including my parents were out on the water with friends.  My dad’s best friends of 35+ years, a man that was like an uncle to me, had a massive heart attack and sunk to the bottom of the river.  Just like that.  In the blink of an eye- he was gone.  They found his body 12 hours later and we were once again forced to say “see you later” to someone too soon.

Two days after I had surgery, I woke up from a pain pill induced nap to my worried husband trying to find the words to tell me what had happened.  All I could say is “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS YEAR!?”

In August, I got a call that my Uncle Marty was having chest pains and had been taken to the hospital.  He’s young so I assumed it was nothing.  Then the tests came back and confirmed he did have a heart attack.  Another punch in the gut.  They put a few stints in, put him on medication, and he will now be under the care of a cardiologist, but the outlook is good.

As you can see, I just don’t have anything good to say.  I’m basically surviving here and trying to keep my head above water.  I know that I have a good life, but lately, it’s a very hard life and it’s all out of my control.

I’ve found myself hoping my kids sleep in just so I can have a shorter day.  I watch the clock for naptime and I pray for my husband to get off work on time every single day.  I’ve never been the mom to wish her days away, but I’m getting through each day minute by minute.  I’m afraid to answer the phone for fear of bad news on the other ends.

I can slap a smile on my face if I see you out, but when it comes to the written (typed) word, my fingers won’t lie.  I can’t come here and write like everything is okay, so I’ve avoided writing altogether.  That has to stop though, because writing is like therapy for me.  No one wants to be Debbie Downer, but life isn’t all sunshine and butterflies either.

It’s too bad I don’t have some great conclusion for this post, but I just wanted to be real.  I just wanted y’all to know why I’ve been quiet and I just needed to get it all out for my sake.  I keep waiting for the tide to turn, for that one deep breath that tells me things are getting better, for the fear of so many unexpected tragedies to pass.

I’ll just keep waiting a little while longer, it seems.