Eight weeks.
Almost two full months.
Eight weeks since Kolby left us.
I don’t know if I ever even shared what happened- I can’t remember because my mind is just a big jumbled mess right now.
Kolby is (was? I don’t know how you are supposed to word that now) my 16 year old cousin. On my mom’s side, Kolby, his sister Brianna, and I have been the only grandchildren. Not anymore, because my uncle married a fabulous woman a couple years ago and we now have two other cousins, but you get what I mean. It’s just always been us three.
We spent a lot of time together growing up. We always stayed with our Gangan or our Pawpaw, sleep-overs and all. Kolby and Brianna terrorized me for being the older cousin back when they were younger. I loved them anyway. I was six years old than him, five years older then her- they were a team. We went on road-trips together which didn’t always end well, but are now some of the memories I hang onto.
Kolby was involved in a wreck on April 12, 2012 and while he fought for several hours, he didn’t make it.
He didn’t make it.
I keep hearing those words over and over in my head.
They haunt me as I try to sleep.
I’ve cried more tears during the past 8 weeks than I have in my entire life. I have no doubts of that.
I’m so, so tired of hurting. Of being scared to lay down at night because I know I’m going to cry myself to sleep.
I haven’t been the mom that my kids deserve, because I just can’t pick myself up.
I don’t know why I’m even writing this to be honest.
Just know that when you come here and you see all the fun things- the water color paints, the water wall, etc.
Those are the best parts of life.
Behind those moments though is a mom who doesn’t have it together most days, who cries herself to sleep, and who wonders if the ache in her heart will ever lessen.
I don’t have much to give right now to anyone or anything. I’m emotionally exhausted.
Please don’t worry, because I am okay. I just know when I am about to reach my limit too.
So with that said, what I do have left to give- I need to make sure I give my all to the right people, my family.
I have one obligation due and that post will go live over the weekend. Other than that, I am stepping back for a week or so.
Focusing on what matters most, myself and my family.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers over the last 8 weeks.
When I come back, I hope to have a lighter heart and a more clear mind.
I am so sorry. I cant even imagine the loss you feel.
trisha
I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry for your loss.. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. You are in our thoughts and prayers.. Sending you hugs from Colorado
So terribly sorry for you loss. We lost our son in 2005 and I struggled immensely (and still do some days). Please know, though, that your pain will lessen and you will get through this. Sending you hugs from Maryland.
I am so sorry. 🙁 I’m praying for you and your family as you go through this. We’ll be here when you get back and feel like blogging again!
I think a little time will be good for you. Take it. Enjoy it!
I am so sorry for your loss.
So sorry. Take all the time you need. You can’t put a time frame or a deadline on grief. {{{hugs}}}
Just know I love you and the rest of your family, yall are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you prayers from Florida. I am glad you are taking the time you need to grieve and heal with your family. You are all in our thoughts. God Bless.
[…] I ever could. Being surrounded by our family and friends is more special and meaningful than ever since losing Kolby. We now have a void in our family, one that can never be filled, but when we are all together, I […]
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
[…] Until Kolby died. (You can read a little about that here: Eight Weeks.) […]
So so sorry for your loss. While its sad when anyone dies my heart just breaks when it’s a child. My thoughts are with your family.
[…] then four days later, we stood in shock as we crowded around Kolby’s hospital bed and faced the harsh reality that he was gone. Gone at […]
[…] with the flow type person and like a lot of men, he doesn’t share his feelings too often. After Kolby died, that changed a lot for us. We’ve both lost people we love during the eight years […]
[…] in front of 5 million people. I struggled to accept that Kolby was really gone in a post titled Eight Weeks. It felt like a punch in the gut when Monica’s killer was only sentenced to 37 years total […]