Family Happenings

Eight Weeks.

Eight weeks.

Almost two full months.

Eight weeks since Kolby left us.

I don’t know if I ever even shared what happened- I can’t remember because my mind is just a big jumbled mess right now.

Kolby Jason Clayton

Kolby is (was?  I don’t know how you are supposed to word that now) my 16 year old cousin.  On my mom’s side, Kolby, his sister Brianna, and I have been the only grandchildren.  Not anymore, because my uncle married a fabulous woman a couple years ago and we now have two other cousins, but you get what I mean.  It’s just always been us three.

We spent a lot of time together growing up.  We always stayed with our Gangan or our Pawpaw, sleep-overs and all.  Kolby and Brianna terrorized me for being the older cousin back when they were younger.  I loved them anyway.  I was six years old than him, five years older then her- they were a team.  We went on road-trips together which didn’t always end well, but are now some of the memories I hang onto.

Kolby Jason

Kolby was involved in a wreck on April 12, 2012 and while he fought for several hours, he didn’t make it.

He didn’t make it.

I keep hearing those words over and over in my head.

They haunt me as I try to sleep.

I’ve cried more tears during the past 8 weeks than I have in my entire life.  I have no doubts of that.

I’m so, so tired of hurting.  Of being scared to lay down at night because I know I’m going to cry myself to sleep.

I haven’t been the mom that my kids deserve, because I just can’t pick myself up.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this to be honest.

Just know that when you come here and you see all the fun things- the water color paints, the water wall, etc.

Those are the best parts of life.

Behind those moments though is a mom who doesn’t have it together most days, who cries herself to sleep, and who wonders if the ache in her heart will ever lessen.

I don’t have much to give right now to anyone or anything.  I’m emotionally exhausted.

Please don’t worry, because I am okay.  I just know when I am about to reach my limit too.

So with that said, what I do have left to give- I need to make sure I give my all to the right people, my family.

I have one obligation due and that post will go live over the weekend.  Other than that, I am stepping back for a week or so.

Focusing on what matters most, myself and my family.

Kolby Clayton Headstone

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers over the last 8 weeks.

When I come back, I hope to have a lighter heart and a more clear mind.



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