Dear Brynlee

 First off, I know that there is nothing I could have done that would change our current situation.  For me, that is probably a good thing because the guilt I feel is overwhelming at times even when I know PRS is not my fault.  Even so, I feel that I need to write this in order to begin to work past the guilt that I feel.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I carried you in my womb for so long and had no idea there was anything wrong.  I’m sorry that when you were born, I jokingly told you I loved you, but was mad at you for taking so long to get here.  I was so happy to finally have you in my arms.  I thought the hard part was over for both of us.  I am sarcastic by nature but I would have never said that if I had known what we would face together.

Brynlee birth day

I’m sorry that I had to let them take you away so soon.  I’m sorry that we didn’t get to snuggle and I didn’t get to count your fingers and toes and breathe in your scent.  I’m sorry that we positioned you on your back not knowing that was hard for you.  I’m sorry that I didn’t see you again until you were over 24 hours old.  I’m sorry that I had to leave you every day for the next 19 days.  I’m sorry that you didn’t get to sleep in my arms.  I’m sorry that I could not sit in the NICU 24 hours a day just to be near you.  I’m sorry that for several weeks I didn’t even know your correct birth weight because everything happened so quickly.

brynlee vent

I’m sorry that you had to go through surgery at 9 days old.  I’m sorry that that it was it took to get you home.  I’m sorry that you were hooked to wires, feeding tubes, and a ventilator.  I’m sorry that I had to let them make multiple incisions just so you could eat and breathe.  I’m sorry those things don’t come naturally for you.  I’m sorry that you have to work so hard each and every day.  I’m sorry that I cannot help you keep your feeds down.

Brynlee March 8

I’m sorry that some days you watch me as I cry over your crib.  I’m sorry that some days- most days- I’m not strong enough to get through without crying.  I am so thankful for you.  You are my little sunshine and I don’t cry for me.  I cry because it hurts to watch you hurt.  It hurts that I can’t hear sounds when your mouth pouts up and your tears fall.  I know you are crying and I’m sorry that I can’t hear you.  I’m sorry that when you are happy, I don’t know if you are cooing at me.

brynlee march 10 1

As sorry as I am for all you have gone through and all you are facing, I am not sorry that I am your mommy.  I wouldn’t change that for the world.  I only wish that I could take this all away.  If I could take your scars and all of your hurt, I would in a heartbeat.

Brynlee March 7

If a mother’s love was enough to heal her child, you would be healed instantly.  I’m sorry my love can’t make you all better.  I nurse my guilt by dressing you up in pretty clothes.  I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better and you seem to like it.  I only hope that one day you understand even half of the fierceness of my love for you, Brynlee.

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Comments

  1. You are simply amazing Whitney <3

  2. Whitney you are such a strong and wonderful mother. I hope you found healing writing this post. You have come such a long way with Brynlee since she has been born. You’ll only continue to thrive with her.

  3. Hugs and love you. Your little girls knows for sure that she love fiercely by her mommy!
    As she grows so do you … in your love for her and in your understanding of how she fits in your life plan.

  4. NIcole Callahan says:

    Whitney that is so beautiful. you are a wonderful person and so strong. YOu are doing what is best for Brynlee and that is loving her. I have never met you personally but my spouse knows Justin very well and I am sure you are just as wonderful as he is. God gave her to you because he knew that you could be the awesome mom along with the care and love that she needs.

  5. Rebecca Orr says:

    Hugs mama! This is such a beautiful, honest letter to Brynlee. She will never know what it is like to not be loved. She is the whole package, and then some!

  6. Olga Vitelar says:

    Whitney, you have the most adorable precious angel and you are very blessed to have her. I am sorry to hear about all the pain and suffering. Please cherish all the precious moments you have with Brynlee! I love her outfits! I will continue to pray for you that God carries you through and gives you strength. I will continue to pray for Brynlee that God will touch her with His healing hands. Prayers and hugs!

  7. Donna Byrge says:

    That’s absolutely beautiful. God knew exactly who needed to be her momma. He chose you for a reason.

  8. It is obvious your beautiful baby has a long way to go. It must be hearbreaking watching your baby suffer and not be aware of what she is feeling or attempting to communicate in her own little way.
    Please enlighten me. What is PRS.

  9. Oh Whitney! Your heart is so beautiful, so tender, so loving. I admire you for sharing this raw pain so vulnerably with everyone. It touched my heart.

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