Call me crazy, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Never. So, I just started writing and I’ve now started the same sentence four times. I don’t know what to say about it. I just never thought it would be this trying.
Saturday night, I walked out of our house and sat outside in the yard. I needed a breather. And really, it isn’t the kids. The past three weeks have been so stressful- more stress than I’ve had since my senior year of high school. One person went to jail, one person went to rehab, one car rolled down a hill into a tree, too many tornadoes did too much damage and took too many lives, my town is destroyed. I know I should just be thankful- I know that. And I am. But, I also have the right to vent. If I hold all of this in for much longer, I think my head will explode.
Add all of that to a stubborn, whining toddler (no idea where he gets it from) and an attached baby girl who only wants her mama and you end up with a frazzled mama. Who has gained like 10lbs in the last three weeks, because I’m seeking comfort in Little Debbies.
I’m so mentally exhausted than I’ve become physically exhausted. I just need to brain dump here for a little while. It’s funny because I lead quite the charmed life. I’m doing exactly what I want- staying home with my children, I have a husband who I adore, we live a comfortable life, we have beautiful, wonderful, healthy children, plenty of food, and I’m happy. I think the fact that life seems to be perfect most of the time makes the hard times even harder. If that makes sense? It’s like I’ve forgotten how to cope with stress because I have so little of it now-a-days. Then, when so much happens in such a short time period, I just want to run away until everything calms back down.
So, this was my brain dump. For the record, today was a fabulous day. I did shrink our shower curtain and ruin a batch of dough, but compared to past few weeks- those things are gravy. The kids were wonderful- Bella even took an hour long nap this morning. Bryson barely whined all day. We had homemade pizza for supper. I enjoyed a long bath- kid free. It was definitely the best day I’ve had in a few weeks. I woke up with the attitude that it had to be better. I think I need to wake up with that attitude every morning.
I’d hate to have a video of the kind of mom and wife I’ve been lately. I’ve raised my voice more times than I can count. I’ve cried in front of my two year old, to the point where he knew something was wrong and was saying “It’s right, mama.. it’s right.” (alright) And my poor husband. I bet he’s wondering who he married. Seriously, I’ve been ungrateful. I sulked for most of Mother’s Day just because I couldn’t get my head out of my butt.
So, I guess this is me on the mend.
Remember when you see me posting rainbow cupcakes that I too have bad days weeks. Moms are human too, whether we like to admit it or not. Talking about it is okay, something I’m learning. It doesn’t show weakness or make you look like a bad mom, it makes you look normal. And let me tell you, I am pretty darn normal if the past few weeks are any indication.
I’m going to be better though.
I’m hitting publish. Oh yes, I am.
>It was brave of you to publish this. I hope things turn around for you and kudos to you for being so self aware!
>Oh honey, you may very well be having PTSD- and it is TOTALLY common after events like the tornadoes. I went through the May 3, 99 tornado in Oklahoma, and thought I was "fine" until I started having a LOT of the same feelings you are having now. It really throws you off, and if you are anything like me (ahem control freak) then it almost makes it WORSE cause you think you can "handle it" until you literally crack under the pressure. Just because you may not have personally "lost" anything – it is a traumatic experience nonetheless.
I didnt get any professional help, but once I realized that was what I was feeling, I was able to be a lot more gentle with MYSELF, and in turn my family. They are probably feeling the effects of it all too, and that is why they are being particularly clingy/crabby.
As someone who has lost it all – twice – in two different hurricanes, and then again in a tornado, I can honestly tell you that it DOES all get put back together. It WILL get to "normal" again, although my experience has been a whole new kind of "normal."
Many hugs from another "storm sister" and kudos to you for pulling yourself out of it and getting on the mend. THAT shows a strong woman, and a great mom.
>Everybody has bad days and we're all entitled to them. Hope things look up for you soon.
>Nobody said we have to be SUPERMOM every minute of every day. Pick your battles (start small, and choose ones you know you can win at first just to boost your confidence, lol). I went through a long battle with Clinical Depression. Sometimes we get thrown off a little. My dad used to tell me, "Get up, dust yourself off, and if you need help you know the phone number". You dont have my phone number, but you can email me if you want!You are already on your way, because you realize if your attitude is better, the day will be better. You reap what you sow. Their are alot of us out here who care about you.
>Do not feel bad for having the feelings that you do. It sounds like you have been through a whole lot in the last few weeks and you are entitled to feel. Tornadoes alone are scary and devastating enough to deal with, without the added stress of everything else you have going on. No one is the perfect wife or mother, we have all had times where our behavior or attitudes were not the best. Take time to feel and process the things that have happened and then pick yourself up and move on. If it gets worse though, I really hope you will seek out help from those around you. I am always here if you need to talk. Lord knows I have been through my share of trying times as well.
>I love this post because you are honest with yourself. Just because you have "everything" you've ever wanted doesn't mean you can't be depressed when things hit the fan. The fact that you notice it and are talking about it is wonderful. I also think it is good that you let your child see you cry (not uncontrolable, of course) so that he knows you can have sad feelings. Plus allowing him to comfort you is great for you both.
You have been through so much, let yourself feel it & if it gets worse, talk to your doctor, he/she may be able to help. Glad you are feeling better today. HUGGLES!
>We all have struggled and have to find our way back to ourselves. I personally think it was wonderful for your son to try to comfort you – it means he is learning compassion and sympathy. AND YOU TAUGHT HIM THAT! 🙂
>its happened to the best of us….the most patient of us..i promise
this too shall pass
>Oh yes, this will pass….Things will get better. You are not alone!! Been there DONE that more times than I can count. Believe me, it's not all roses over here these days. *With 3 kids and number four on the way….needless to say MOMMY HAS BEEN A NUTCASE : )
(hugs)