Almost two full months.
Eight weeks since Kolby left us.
I don’t know if I ever even shared what happened- I can’t remember because my mind is just a big jumbled mess right now.
Kolby is (was? I don’t know how you are supposed to word that now) my 16 year old cousin. On my mom’s side, Kolby, his sister Brianna, and I have been the only grandchildren. Not anymore, because my uncle married a fabulous woman a couple years ago and we now have two other cousins, but you get what I mean. It’s just always been us three.
We spent a lot of time together growing up. We always stayed with our Gangan or our Pawpaw, sleep-overs and all. Kolby and Brianna terrorized me for being the older cousin back when they were younger. I loved them anyway. I was six years old than him, five years older then her- they were a team. We went on road-trips together which didn’t always end well, but are now some of the memories I hang onto.
Kolby was involved in a wreck on April 12, 2012 and while he fought for several hours, he didn’t make it.
He didn’t make it.
I keep hearing those words over and over in my head.
They haunt me as I try to sleep.
I’ve cried more tears during the past 8 weeks than I have in my entire life. I have no doubts of that.
I’m so, so tired of hurting. Of being scared to lay down at night because I know I’m going to cry myself to sleep.
I haven’t been the mom that my kids deserve, because I just can’t pick myself up.
I don’t know why I’m even writing this to be honest.
Just know that when you come here and you see all the fun things- the water color paints, the water wall, etc.
Those are the best parts of life.
Behind those moments though is a mom who doesn’t have it together most days, who cries herself to sleep, and who wonders if the ache in her heart will ever lessen.
I don’t have much to give right now to anyone or anything. I’m emotionally exhausted.
Please don’t worry, because I am okay. I just know when I am about to reach my limit too.
So with that said, what I do have left to give- I need to make sure I give my all to the right people, my family.
I have one obligation due and that post will go live over the weekend. Other than that, I am stepping back for a week or so.
Focusing on what matters most, myself and my family.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers over the last 8 weeks.
When I come back, I hope to have a lighter heart and a more clear mind.