It’s a bowl of homemade buns to go with homemade sloppy joes.
But to me, it’s so much more.
It’s a basket holding growth and healing and progress and simple joys returning.
In the “before”, I baked bread for my family. Made rainbow cupcakes for my kids. Loved lesson planning and pre-school with my littles.
Then, a lot of traumatic things happened. And I spent the next years just trying to survive. And when you are just trying to survive- you don’t have the capacity for any extra. (That came from my therapist as I explained that pieces of me from before- pieces that I wasn’t searching for because I just accepted they were GONE- those pieces are returning.)
The things I found joy in the “before” are finally coming back into view and I have the capacity to make them happen.
Because I quit being a martyr. I quit trying to save everyone else while I drowned. I said “enough!” I matter too and I am worthy of taking the time and putting in the work to save myself. For ME- no one else.
And what do you know? When you decide to save yourself, you eventually have room to serve others again. But not as a martyr and not out of commitment, just because. Because it feels good. Because it makes you happy. It brings joy.
My therapist reminded me this week that I did this. I put in the work. I continue putting in the work. Living with mental illness and then having years of devastating losses and events piled on top will never be easy and it will never go away. But I can get better. I am getting better.
I said walking into this year that I didn’t have room for anyone who didn’t have my back. I could no longer self sabotage in order to help everyone else. But, I was talking to myself as well. *I* had to choose myself, have my own back.
And here I am, in the last half of 2022, with my flowers and homemade bread and beautiful family.
It’s just a bowl of homemade buns.
But it’s so much more to me.