the year of letting go & stepping out

2014 was a year of letting go.

letting go of this blog.

letting go of our only steady income- Justin’s job.

letting go of my plans for the future.

letting go of my fears.

letting go of my controlling ways, beginning to accept that I am not in control.

letting go of my idea of a “normal, healthy baby” and adjusting to life with Pierre Robin Sequence

letting go of my dad.

but 2014 was also a year of stepping out..

stepping out in faith that this was just a season- one that would pass.

trusting that God would provide for our family.

stepping out in faith that His plans were better than ours.

stepping out in faith that God would use my story of depression to reach others.

trusting that He was in control and would work all things for our good… even when it hurt.

stepping out in faith that God would use this broken baby with tubes for His Glory.

trusting that I would see my Dad again one sweet day.

2014 was full of hard things.  excruciatingly difficult things.  sucker punches.  hurt.  pain.  cancer.  surgeries.  vomit.  blood.  sickness.  last breaths.

2014 was full of lessons for me.

I learned who would be there when my world was turned upside down, who would love and support me through the ugly- through my ugly.

I learned who would say “I know you are hurting.  I know you are hurt.  Hurt people hurt people and I’m going to love you through your hurt.  I’m not going to give up on you.” It is a precious gift to have people in your life who love you well.

I also learned which people in my life would be the first to step up and call me names, point out my mistakes, and find joy in my stumbling blocks.

I learned that the people who are supposed to love you most would call you a liar, laugh in your face, threaten you, and cut you deeper than you imagined.

I learned how hard forgiveness can be even when you know it is the only choice.  It is a command.  I’m still working on it.

I was scared of 2014.  I shared my fears here on this blog, because I knew 2014 was going to be a year of hard.  I didn’t know how hard though.  I just knew I had a very sick baby.  I didn’t know by the time 2014 came to close, I would have faced my dad as he told me of the cancer, the tumor that made it hard for him to breathe.  I didn’t know I would watch in agony as the cancer went to his brain, took the dad that I knew, and that I would watch in horror as he struggled for those last breaths.  I’m glad I didn’t know.

I was terrified going into 2014.

Not so with 2015.

I’m not scared anymore.  I’m broken but searching for the beauty in the brokenness.  I am hurt and I am terminal- just like my Dad.  I only have so much time here and I want to spend it well.  I want to love deeply.  I want my children to never doubt my love for them the way I never once doubted my dad’s love for me.  I want them to know that they and their dad are enough for me.  These 4 precious people are the reason I keep fighting through the dark days and weeks.

I’m not scared of 2015.  For the first time in a long time, I am filled with hope.

Bring. it. on. 2015.

With God and my family at my side, I’m truly ready.

This post dedicated to my husband who told me in not so many words that it was time for me to stop living scared and to begin living again, to return to my blog, to return to life. To my husband who says that sometimes you just need a pep talk and a kick in the butt.

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