I know that lately I’ve bombarded y’all with reviews and giveaways. Some of you are here for just that, but some of you are here for our every day life too so I wanted to break my silence, so to say, and explain why I haven’t been writing.
This year has been tough. Really, tough doesn’t even begin to touch it. It’s been terrible- a year that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I know that I am blessed, but the road isn’t always easy. This year has taught me that I not in control.. at all. Not one bit.
In February, we buried our sweet Tucker dog and that was hard. It still is- especially since I’ve been hurt. I would love for him to come snuggle up with me. We let our dog out to pee and instead of coming back, he chased a female dog and was hit by a car.
Then, the year became 100x harder.
We celebrated Easter on April 8th with our entire family, then four days later, we stood in shock as we crowded around Kolby’s hospital bed and faced the harsh reality that he was gone. Gone at sixteen.
Death is a fact of life, we all know that, but when you face the death of a 16 year old that you grew up with, that you had sleepovers with at your grandmother’s house every weekend- death feels unbearable when you are the one left behind.
So I struggled to get through the days and sometimes, I let the dishes sit in the sink for days because I couldn’t face them.
Then in July, I made the simple decision to go down the slide with Bella and it cost me the ability to walk. I’m still trying to find a new normal and find my place in our family when I can’t do for my husband and kids like I want. I’ve never felt so completely useless in my life.
Two weeks after I broke my leg and ankle, several of my family members including my parents were out on the water with friends. My dad’s best friends of 35+ years, a man that was like an uncle to me, had a massive heart attack and sunk to the bottom of the river. Just like that. In the blink of an eye- he was gone. They found his body 12 hours later and we were once again forced to say “see you later” to someone too soon.
Two days after I had surgery, I woke up from a pain pill induced nap to my worried husband trying to find the words to tell me what had happened. All I could say is “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS YEAR!?”
In August, I got a call that my Uncle Marty was having chest pains and had been taken to the hospital. He’s young so I assumed it was nothing. Then the tests came back and confirmed he did have a heart attack. Another punch in the gut. They put a few stints in, put him on medication, and he will now be under the care of a cardiologist, but the outlook is good.
As you can see, I just don’t have anything good to say. I’m basically surviving here and trying to keep my head above water. I know that I have a good life, but lately, it’s a very hard life and it’s all out of my control.
I’ve found myself hoping my kids sleep in just so I can have a shorter day. I watch the clock for naptime and I pray for my husband to get off work on time every single day. I’ve never been the mom to wish her days away, but I’m getting through each day minute by minute. I’m afraid to answer the phone for fear of bad news on the other ends.
I can slap a smile on my face if I see you out, but when it comes to the written (typed) word, my fingers won’t lie. I can’t come here and write like everything is okay, so I’ve avoided writing altogether. That has to stop though, because writing is like therapy for me. No one wants to be Debbie Downer, but life isn’t all sunshine and butterflies either.
It’s too bad I don’t have some great conclusion for this post, but I just wanted to be real. I just wanted y’all to know why I’ve been quiet and I just needed to get it all out for my sake. I keep waiting for the tide to turn, for that one deep breath that tells me things are getting better, for the fear of so many unexpected tragedies to pass.
I’ll just keep waiting a little while longer, it seems.
I am so sorry, so very sorry for your pain and the trials you and your family have and are walking thru right now. I will keep you in my prayers, but before I leave let me pray now.
God be with Whitney and her family. Let her feel your presence in the darkness, in the pain, in the sorrow, in the whys and what ifs. God I pray a prayer of protection around Whitney and her family. Comfort their minds and hearts with the peace Lord that only you can give. In Jesus name I pray!
Here are a few songs to encourage you.
Thanks for keeping it real Whit. Writing is great therapy and you are amongst friends so don’t hesitate to let it out lady. It isn’t healthy to hold it in. You have had an extremely rough year, but hopefully the tide is starting to diminish since Marty’s case could have been worse. Yes, you smile in public, but it isn’t that bubbly Whitney smile everyone is use to seeing. I think you are holding it together very well considering all you have been through. I know it is hard not being able to do for your family like you are accustom to, but maybe you can watch the kids a little closer during this time, just watch and enjoy this part of their life. Invest in paper plates so there aren’t as many dishes. Start on Christmas early by having the kids help you with homemade craft presents for family. Your family would love to have gifts like that. I know that is easy for me to say not being in your shoes and i know how difficult it is to move forward with so many horrible things on your mind. Please know that you are normal. I too have put the kids to bed early and hoped they would sleep late; wished for shorter days that were ironically lengthened by all the worries and troubles and heartache. Honestly, the best thing for you probably is to write, write, write. It doesn’t have to be on the blog, but write. It is GOOD therapy. Just start a personal folder on your computer and type, or get out a notebook and let it flow, baby. I have countless notebook pages with dried tears on them. I have poems and essays and i have paragraphs that don’t even make sense. Just get it out, for your sake and for your kids sake, and above all, know that you are loved and you have friends and family that are here for whatever you need.
This year has been totally horrible for me too. By far the worst of my life. HUGE terrible awful things. I haven’t blogged about all of it because I just can’t; I sit down and start typing and it’s just too overwhelming. So I kind of understand and just wanted to say I hope the tide turns for you soon!
Hugs, love, and prayers!
I find that when I feel overwhelmed with life, I start writing donw my blessings. It is near impossible to feel overwhelmed with blessings. Once I pray for each of those blessings, my heart isn’t as heavy and I finid it easier to find joy again. Much love to your family!
I will keep you and your family in prayer.
This has brought me hope in very low days ” …for today is holy to Our Lord. Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the Lord is your strength!” – Nehemiah 8:10
You are in my prayers…
I am so sorry for your losses! I can’t imagine how difficult this last year has been for you… You will be in my prayers. Stay strong!
Whitney, you have had such a tough time. I wish you nothing but good for 2013. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. So so sorry. 🙁
Thank you, Courtney. 🙂
Sometimes it just feels really good to get it all out. I am so sorry you have had such a tough year. Ours started out very similar. We lost my aunt on January 3 (she and I were extremely close) and then our cat got hit by a car a few days later. We’ve also said goodbye to family and friends we love in the past few months and sometimes I just want to scream ENOUGH ALREADY!
I do appreciate your honesty. That’s one of the first things that drew me into your blog…how you just lay it all out and I find myself nodding in agreement and feeling like “I so GET that” so many times. You just keep doing your thing here. You’re fabulous. Hope you are healing up well. Take care!
You’ve been through a tremendous amount this year. You have every right to your feelings. I’ve said a prayer for you that things get better for you and yours.
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