Personal Thoughts

Three Months.

Today is Thursday, July 12, 2012.

Exactly three months since we lost Kolby.

Thursday, April 12, 2012.

9:10 P.M.

Less than one month until we are forced to find a way to celebrate Kolby’s first birthday in heaven.

Friday, August 10, 2012.

I plan to pick up some balloons and take the kids to the cemetery to send them up to Kolby.

I can’t even begin to explain how absolutely angry it makes me to know that I am going to celebrate his 17th birthday in a cemetery.  I’ve never been so angry in my entire life and I know that anger is part of the grieving process, but I am so ready to let go of it.  Or I should say, I feel ready, but I’m not ready because I simply can’t.

Bella at Kolby's Grave

I wake up thinking about him.  I go to sleep thinking about him.  I pray for his mama, his daddy, his sister- our entire family- constantly.  We are all holding together well.  Brianna, his sister, just moved to Idaho with her husband.  He is in the United States Air Force and that is where they are stationed.  (Thank you, Taylor.)  Even so, it doesn’t feel fair that we had to lose Kolby and then send her off to Idaho within three months.  It doesn’t feel right being the only grandchild left here and I want them both back.

I have good days and bad days.  Even on the good days, I have bad moments.  Even on the bad days and during the worst moments, I know that God is good all the time.

As I was getting ready to leave the hospital the night that Kolby left us, my aunt Brandi hugged me and she said “You go home and give those babies hugs.  You love on them.”  And as I drove home, all I wanted to was to get home and watch Bryson sleep.  It was very late when I made it home and I walked straight to his room and I knelt down and I listened to him breathe.

And I find myself doing that at least a few times each week now.

Kolby's Grave

I want to share something that Brandi posted on Facebook yesterday.. and I want you to stop and take it in:

“Is wondering why I ever complained about muddy tracks through the house, all the glasses/cups dirtied up in one day..every day, empty food cabinets, the front door being worn out from so many going in and out, every bed and couch being full of teenagers when I woke every morning… I miss it all so so much.”

“… that’s the point I want everyone to see.. it’s just the smallest things like a dirty house I miss, and the ones who made that mess. I want all of my fb friends. Enjoy your children, and give them hugs and encouragement every chance you are given … you don’t know when it’ll be your last. Be a mentor and someone for them to look up to. .. so many children don’t have ” mommy” or “daddy” time.. and it means so much to them ( even if sometimes they don’t think you are too cool) time spent has a great impact in a child’s life.”

“As I told everyone in the beginning, when asked what they could do….just go home today, and give your babies a great big hug and let them know how much you love them and how much they mean to have them in your life.”

Whenever you are having a bad day, when the house is a mess, Mount Washmore greets you in the laundry room, the dishes are all dirty, someone spills cheerios right after you sweep, etc.- just remember her words.  You WILL miss this.

I hope you never miss it in the way the she misses her son- the way we all miss him.  I hope you never have even an inkling of what this feels like, but please don’t take any part of your family for granted.  Don’t forget that it can all be gone… in the blink of an eye.

On Thursday, April 12, 2012, I had spent the day playing with the kids.  Bryson & I had set up his trains and I videoed him acting scenes out.  I was posting photos and videos from our day- Brandi was commenting on them as she always does.

Two hours later, a single phone call shattered our world.

I went from playing trains with my three year old to falling to the floor and wondering how I would tell my three year old that Kolby was gone.

I went from hugging Kolby on Easter Sunday to watching my husband help close his grave the next Sunday.

You never know.

Kolby Jason Clayton

So please, if you want to do something beyond praying for our family, love your children.  Hug them.  Spend time with them.  Give them your full, undivided attention.

They deserve nothing less.

Do it for my aunt Brandi, a beautiful, strong woman, an amazing mother who was forced to say “see you later” to her only son.


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  • SO heartbreaking and will be forever with your family. I will remember your aunts FB update and think about the times I get upset over toys laying around, or the kids not picking up messes. You just never know. I still think about you and your family daily. Hugs to all of you.

  • I am speechless completly lost of words you never could have put it in any other way. My kids still talk about him daily. He and Ainzlee was sitting playing pick a boo the other night and of course i started crying and she dont understand why bc she sees Kolby. oh the love and puriness of a child. You have also been so stong and encouranging thru this whole process ur words are so symathetic and i hope you continue to blog bc you do it so well. Speaking of taking family for granite we all need to get together soon.

  • Thank you for this post. You have no idea how much this means to me. God really spoke to my heart through your words.

    God has been trying to get my attention for some time now and this was one more way he spoke to me.

  • ‘Three Months’ is heartwrenchingly real….and beautiful. To know Rocky and Brandi is to love them. My heart hurts as I read Brandi’s posts as she opens her heart on Facebook. The pic of your little one in front of Kolby’s monument says it all. I, too, must stand in front of one and read our little son’s name who went back to the Father only twenty-two minutes after his birth due to a heart defect. It’s the most unnatural thing in the world. But God does work miracles and heals broken hearts over much time. I know that because mine was so severed that it could not have healed apart from the supernatural touch of God. Thank you for the opportunity to find your site. Awesome!!

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