Heart as unprepared as ever.

Here we go again.

Very unexpected.

I said no more babies. I said only respite.

But then when the call came, I couldn’t say no.

So here we go again. Heart as unprepared as ever.

We will call her “Sweet Pea” here since her first outing was to a flower farm. And she is, of course, so sweet.

It was a first for me- walking into a hospital with an empty car seat and walking out with someone else’s baby. She’s not our first newborn, but our first that required me to go to the hospital. Honestly, it was extremely hard and emotional. I cried on the way to the hospital and had knots in my stomach on the way home. I cannot even imagine how Sweet Pea’s mom felt.

As the social worker and I stepped onto the elevator, baby in tow, it hit me hard that 7.5 years ago, I stepped onto an elevator in a maternity ward without my baby. My arms were empty and my heart was crushed when Brynlee was born sick and rushed to a NICU an hour away. That walk out of the hospital without her will forever stick with me.

Now I played a part in doing that to another mom. Was it necessary? Yes. But that doesn’t change that I could put myself in mom’s shoes- except I knew where my baby was 7.5 years ago. So while we are honored to be Sweet Pea’s soft place right now, her mama is always on my mind and in my heart.

We will love her while she’s here- and she makes that easy to do. We know from experience that we will also love her long after she’s gone. I’ve said it before- the loving part is easy, it’s the letting go part that can be soul crushing.

But knowing what little I know about trauma and attachment during a child’s first few months of life, I know the pain of a future goodbye will be worth the foundation of love and attachment we provide for her while she’s with us- no matter how long that may be.