When you don’t want to look back because it hurts too much.
And you don’t want to look forward because you know it’s going to be hard.
That’s where I’m at as of 11:24PM on New Years Eve.
And anything I say just makes me sound like Debbie Downer.
At the beginning of 2013, I wanted two things.
I wanted to find a church that we could call home. We did and we now call those people our family too. Success.
I wanted to have another child. After a terrible 2012, I asked God to bless us with a third child– our something good, I thought. Kind of like a rainbow after the storm that was 2012. Success.
Except things don’t always go as planned and His plans aren’t always my plans. I’m tired of learning that lesson. Really sick of it, honestly. I feel like I should have already passed this test, moved on the brighter days.
2012 was such a hard year. Heartbreaking, leg breaking, ankle breaking– you get it. Loss after loss after loss. Hard losses. Not those easy goodbyes when someone lived a long life. Those hard goodbyes when young people are ripped from your life.
So I thought- surely 2013 has to be better.
And it was. We were blessed to find our church and our church family. We were blessed with a full term pregnancy full of kicks, indigestion, and as far as we knew- a healthy baby girl. We continued to watch Bryson and Bella grow and thrive. We celebrated 9 years together and 5 years of marriage.
But then the blows began. A 14 year cousin killed in car accident followed by my Pawpaw two days later. We spent Labor Day weekend grieving and went to the funeral home on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
And then of course, after 40 weeks and 2 days, Brynlee reluctantly decided to join us. After 12 hours of the worst pain of my life, she was here. Then, she didn’t cry and she couldn’t breathe. And just like that, she was taken an hour away to receive the care and treatment she needed. The tears began to flow and they didn’t stop and I was sure that my heart was definitely going to quit beating because it hurt so badly.
20 days in the NICU. A tracheostomy and gastrostomy tube insertion at 9 days old. She is home. We are thrilled.
But that doesn’t make it easy.
Ask any PRS parent and they’ll tell you that the first year is hard. Most will say it’s the hardest year of their lives.
So as we ring in this new year- 2014- the anxiety and worry overshadow the excitement of things to come.
Today was a hard day. A day that even a 2 hour nap and a hot bath couldn’t make better.
It’s a new year.
And while 2014 may not be better, I certainly will not allow it to make me bitter.
One day at a time.