“Suicide is selfish!”
It’s probably the #1 comment I hear when the topic comes up.
“The most selfish act. How could he/she?”
“Only thinking about herself. Only thinking about himself.”
My guess is that anyone who says that has probably never been suicidal.
Almost 10 years ago, I swallowed handful after handful of pills and prayed for death. So when someone tries to tell me just how selfish the act of suicide is, it angers me and I take it personally. When I attempted suicide, it was not out of selfishness. If anything, it was a selfless act.
How could that be?
For months, I prayed to God to just take me. Day and night, I begged Him to let me die. I tried to negotiate with God, telling him that so many people were dying that really wanted to live. I didn’t want to live anymore, so couldn’t he just take me instead? That was my prayer and I truly believed that God was going to take me soon.
But, He didn’t and I was tired of my pain and depression hurting other people. I was tired of being a burden to everyone who loved me.
I picked up a gun and I put it to my head. I couldn’t pull the trigger out of fear that something would go wrong and instead of dying, I would be in a vegetative state. If that were to happen, I would require around the clock care and I would certainly still be a burden. No, I couldn’t take that chance so I put the gun back down.
So instead, I chose to overdose. In my mind, I would just go to sleep and not wake up. There would not be a mess for anyone to clean up. It was the simplest way.
Do you want to know what ran through my head as I swallowed those pills?
I thought that the people who loved me would hurt at the beginning, but then they would soon understand how much better off they were without me. I had no reason to believe that. None. But I did. I believed it 110%. I was doing the right thing, the best thing for everyone around me- even if it resulted in my death. They didn’t deserve to be burdened with someone like me. I begged God to forgive me for what I was doing, because I knew that it was wrong in His eyes. I prayed that sleep would come soon and even if I went to Hell, the people around me would still be better off.
I get that my story isn’t your story, but to automatically say “suicide is selfish” is ridiculous and untrue. Did I want to end my pain? Absolutely. Did I attempt suicide with only myself in mind? Absolutely not.
Fortunately, I survived. I know now that those thoughts could not have been further from the truth. I wasn’t doing anyone a favor- not myself nor the people who loved me, but I couldn’t see that then. I thought I was doing the right thing for everyone and that isn’t selfish. With each of the 300+ pills I swallowed, I was sure my death would be a relief for others. I wanted to kill myself to end my pain and the pain I was causing the people I loved. That is not selfish.
And finally, I don’t understand why there is ever a need to judge suicide at all. How is that helpful? Is it necessary? What good comes from it at all? I’m being absolutely serious on that one, I don’t understand how anyone can feel that they have the right to judge suicide.
I’ve been suicidal, but even my rock bottom isn’t your rock bottom. Even though I have attempted suicide, I can’t say that I know what others are going through or that I understand their pain. So, if you’ve never dealt with mental illness, I truly believe there is absolutely no possible way that you have any idea what you are talking about.
Comments like “suicide is selfish” are not helpful. Comments like that are unneeded. Comments like that are hurtful.
Think before you speak, especially when you speak of something you do not understand.