Bella

Dear Bella

I’m struggling to even begin this post.  Where do I even start?

When I got the big fat positive, I thought I wanted another boy.  I wasn’t cut out to be a mom to a daughter.  I’m not very girly myself, I have no girlfriends, so I probably wouldn’t be a good “girl mom.”  That was my thinking anyways.

Then, a few weeks later, it hit me that you were a girl.  I didn’t need an ultrasound, I just knew it.  God was going to give me a daughter and He believed in me.  I could do this.  The excitement set in.  The ultrasound confirmed what I already knew- bring on the pink and the Hello Kitty!

We’d settled on your name years before you ever were.  Then, the Twilight series happened and the name Bella became very popular.  I debated on changing your name, but we had always called our future daughter “Bella” and so we kept it.  I’m so glad we did, because you are our Bella Grace.

From the moment I gave birth to you, you made me a better person.  Even through a completely natural, unmedicated birth, I felt nothing but love for you.  I never got upset during labor, because I was just so excited that you and I were working together to make your entrance into this world perfect.  I thought my heart would burst.  When they took you away for your bath, I felt like a piece of me was missing.  I asked them over and over to bring you back because I missed you so much.  We had a bond from the instant I reached down and pulled you up onto my chest.

That bond has only intensified over the past year.  I can’t imagine going a day without holding you or nursing you.  If I am away from you for more than a couple hours, my arms feel empty and useless.  It’s like they just need you to be in them. I look at you and sometimes me eyes just fill with tears because I love you that much.

When God gave me you, he filled a void that I didn’t think could be filled.  I’ve struggled for years with the feelings of just not fitting in with my peers and you made me realize that that is okay.  No, I don’t fit in with them.  Instead, I fit perfectly with my little family.  I was meant to be a mother.  I was meant to be your mother and Bryson’s mother.  You, your brother, your dad, and I- we are the puzzles pieces that make this life beautiful and complete.  Being a family of four has been such a joy over the past year.

When I think toward the future, I still see you and I hand in hand.  I know that it won’t always be roses, but you will always know that I love you unconditionally.   I can’t wait to walk this path with you, to teach you about the important things in life, to show you that beauty comes from the inside, and that you are strong and smart and important.

I can’t find the words to express what you have really done for me.  I just know that this year has been the best of my life and that you have helped me grow into me.  You have helped me become comfortable in my own skin.

I love you, my little girl, with everything I am.

That will never, ever change.

Love,
Mama

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